Monday, 13 March 2017

Send Me Nudes

Lads, before you start skimming this article hoping for flashes of flesh or requests for dick pics, let me be clear: it's about nude makeup. Not actual nudes. I just used that title because it's catchy. Soz and all that.

Due to the surge in popularity of 'dating' apps such as Tinder, asking a new 'match' to "send nudes" is dropped in as casually as asking what they do for a living - and almost as quickly. The exchange usually goes something like:

Him: Hey, you're fit.
You: You're cute too. So, tell me about yourself: what do you do for a living...?
Him: I'm in IT. Send me nudes!

When I signed up to Tinder (in 2013, before I met Andy the following year) I was not only bombarded with unsolicited nudes, and requests for nudes, I was also sent plenty of pictures of other women in their underwear...or completely nude. Not by the women in the pictures themselves - I had my settings firmly set to 'women looking for men' - but by the guys they were sending them to, as if this was somehow proof that "all the other women are doing it." Sometimes guys would even say, "I'm not sure whether to date you...or her (female nude pops up on my phone). Who should I choose?" as if trying to start some kind of competition between us. One glance at the picture of the posing woman staring seductively into the camera tells me she's a man-eater; if she were a plant she'd be a Penis Fly Trap. Oh I certainly hope so. I'm happy to let her 'win' this one and swiftly delete the dastardly dude.

So girls, beware that when they guys say "send me nudes, I swear I'll never show anyone," he's telling porkies - not only will he show his mates, he'll also show everyone else he can think of...

Rouge Edition Velvet - great creamy texture, velvet matte finish

Anyway, I digress. Back to the nude makeup. To me, the words 'nude' and 'makeup' had never featured in the same sentence until recently. Why would they? To me the term 'nude makeup' is an oxymoron: if you can't even see it, how is it making you look better? What's the point of shelling out a load of dosh and then taking an age to painstakingly apply a ton of products you can't even see? Sounds like a case of The Emperor's New Clothes to me.

No, if I'm going to spend an arm and a leg on the latest beauty innovations and formulations I want to emerge from the bathroom in the morning looking catwalk-ready and as glamorous as Marilyn Monroe. Nude doesn't come into the equation: I want endless raven lashes, lips dripping brick-red gloss and skin like the finest porcelain. Or I did until now.

But recently I decided to give nude another chance, albeit my interpretation of nude. Rather than so little makeup that I still look anaemic, my naturally blonde features barely discernable on the blank sheet of A4 that is my morning face, I opted for visible makeup, but in hues of peach and muted browns that looked vaguely natural rather than naked.

eyeshadow palette in 02 OVER ROSE, lip pencil in 01NUDE WAVE,
velvet matte lip cream in 10 DON'T PINK OF IT

"I prefer women to look natural" proclaim men everywhere - until the aforementioned women have the bare-faced cheek to leave the house without a scrap of slap. Because there's natural...and then there's rough as a badger's backside; rarely does a woman look as good as Gigi Hadid does without makeup. (That's not dissing the sisterhood girls - it's just the brutal and blatant truth).

Because we all look like Gigi without makeup...NOT!

The fellas then quickly back-track with a tactful "You look beautiful either way...but I do love it when you're all glammed up," baulking in horror at the sight of thread veins, sparse brows and piggy eyes. He's hardly Tom Hardy himself, let's face it, but nevertheless everyone heaves a sigh of relief when the giant makeup bag comes out once more...

So here's my version of nude: still made up to within an inch of my life, but in a softer palette of shades. No red lippy or flicky felt-tip liner, yet enough colour and definition that I won't be mistaken for Casper the friendly ghost on my morning commute. The pigment is good, the quality decent and the best part is the price: Bourjois 3 for 2 at Boots meant I got all 3 items for around £15 (there are often offers on at either Boots or Superdrug - there's one at Superdrug now). So if my love-affair with the nudes turns out to be as short-lived as most of my Tinder matches, I won't be left broke and broken-hearted...

lanky birds: I've got an affinity with flamingos 😉
jumper from Oasis

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